This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
