Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
