you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
