I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
