I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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