Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
