well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
