dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
