I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize