I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
