i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
