I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
