If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
