a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize