I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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