totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
