I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
