When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
