I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
