He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
