bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
