GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
