You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
