Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
