Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
