Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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