you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
