sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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