she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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