remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
