I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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