I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
