I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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