Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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