it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
