The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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