My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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