My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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