Already got asked if we're dating
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I deserve this hangover.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
