I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
