i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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