Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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