He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
