So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
