Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
