I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
