i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
