I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
