Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
