Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
