I haven't been this sober since birth.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I need water and some morals
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
