Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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