Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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