When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
