Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
