i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
