Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just threw up on my dentist
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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