did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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