How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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