4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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