If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
