i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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