life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
