I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
