so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
