My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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